Maybe the name should be Melinda's Meltdown?

If only it were so simple to just melt stuff away. But it's not.
I have just deviated majorly from the path where I began. I can't even see where I began now... I still have the same mental picture, end result in mind...just no clear cut path to get there. Actually, the path is there, I am just not willing to do the hard work right now. I can make up all the excuses in the world - some are valid and legit, and some are wimpy and wussy excuses. But, the fact of the matter is, I could work around any and all excuses if I so chose to do so.
So here I sit, again, waiting for God to send me the email to let me know that He will melt away all the junk in my trunk...but that email isn't coming. I have to get up off my junked up trunk and work at it.
So, I say I will...tomorrow. And then I start off with the best of intentions....but, then I get out of bed.
I will get there though. Just so much buzzing around my head right now...so much to deal with mentally and physically for me, for my family...things have to settle down just a bit before I am ready to undertake this life changing aspect. The planning, the measuring, the frustration if I mess it up ... it is all so exhausting for me. And I beat myself up...and I am already beating myself up for so much that I am tired and sore...I don't need to heap on the reasons to beat myself up...so yes, I am waiting. I am trying...but not all that hard and sometimes not at all.
Ok, I'm just going to go to bed now...before I ramble on any more with nonsense and all that!

Back to square 1?

Feeling very emotional, frustrated, angry and so on over lots of things, but this blog is about trying to keep it real as I try to take off the pounds. Calling myself every name in the book - idiot, weakling, moron, looser (and not in a good way).
Ok, I might have some unrealistic expectations going on...thought I'd conquer this eating thing once I was aware of what I was doing a bit more, thought I'd be on track to work out at least SOME...but none of the above is happening. But, seriously, I am talking now about giving up...it is hard with a new baby, being strapped to a chair to feed her (even though it isn't breastfeeding) - and I will admit there are times of resentment there. Not often, mostly I genuinely love and enjoy gazing down at my precious little one...but sometimes I am itching and ready to get moving on SOMETHING (maybe a house project or going to walk or something) and no can do. I know that this phase shall pass...enjoy it while I can and all that...but I am not good at being inactive when I have a plan in mind.
And, that sitting and boredom makes me consider all kinds of foods - and typically not with good results. Sometimes I am genuinely hungry and sometimes I talk myself into being hungry. Either way, the results are inhale food, expand the hips and waistline.
I do believe for now, for my sanity...I am going to have to chill a bit. I am going to focus on making better food choices and watching my portions...not counting and measuring each little thing. There will be a time for that later, I am sure. But, things are just too much right now and I can't heap more upon my own head.
Being a bit melodramatic tonight...feel like I'm a little hamster on a wheel...trying so hard to get somewhere, but making no progress. This is not just talking about weight and being healthy...although that certainly fits the same scenario.
I am taking my sleep deprived self off to bed before I get completely maudlin...try to get some of the 40 winks I need in before Peyton wakes up again. Maybe I'll post tommorrow, maybe I won't...don't know for now.

Hey Wagon, I fell off!! WAIT UP!!

I started off well, for 1 day! Then it has gone downhill into the murky depths from there! I refuse to beat myself up for it. I know that if I do, I'll just quit and stay in the same spot I am in for another month, another year, another decade...till I die. Not cool with that plan.
So, to get to the nitty gritty...I have had my first period since having Peyton, and it has been a doozie! Major cramps and feeling overall cruddy...So, I have resorted to quick and comfort foods for the most part. I know that this is an abnormal period for me....hardly ever have had cramps this badly...so as I said, I am refusing to beat myself up for indulging....alot.
I have a mental picture of my plans for next week. Now, I just have to translate that mental picture to action. I'm working on a plan - and of course, the best laid plans fail...so I'll have to create flexibility in this mental imagery I have going on!
On to better days for next week!!

Day 1 - week 2

What an original title there! Anyway, here goes:
WEIGHT: 230.8

• Breakfast: Life cereal w/ skim milk = 160 & Coffee mix = 80 : TOTAL: 240
• Snack: trail mix pack = 120 & 1/2 banana = 75 : Total =195
• Lunch: Orange roughy fillet w/ marinade = 65 & salad w/ basalmic vinnagrett: 80 & low fat cottage cheese w/ blueberries = 110 TOTAL=255
• Snack: 2 chocolate rice cakes w/ 1 tbsp of peanut butter = 205
• Dinner: 1 porkchop w/ marinade = 222 & green beans = 30 & 1/2 Cup olive oil and herb pasta mix = 126: TOTAL: 378
• Dessert: 4 Werthers hard candies (not all at once!) = 96 / 3 tootsie rolls = 150 : TOTAL: 246
• Middle of night snack = 5 wheat saltine crackers & 1 wedge of lite laughing cow creamy swiss = 110 & Fig Newton strawberry fruit crisp = 100 TOTAL: 210

TOTAL CALORIES FOR MONDAY, OCT. 19: 1729 (271 calories under goal)

Did not get to get out and mulch spread the back yard. Too cold while Peyton slept in the morning and she was awake ALL afternoon (bonus is that she slept from 8:30pm - 3:30am). I am extremely antsy to do some sort of workout, but can't seem to get organized to get the little girls together to go walking. I am trying, but I just seem so scattered right now that I can't pull it together for that! Still working on it!

Hey monkey...wanna piggy back ride?

For anyone who did not understand the title of this post...this whole weight thing is a total monkey on my back (and stomach, and hips, and arms, and thighs...)
For all of my spouting that this time was going to be different...it wasn't! I didn't keep it together for a couple of days, then just gave it up. Sure, I had my reasoning in hand...but it then again, that is nothing new either!
So, I begin again today. No new firm resolve, just taking it 1 bite at a time. I am trying to keep it below 2000 calories. That seems like SO many calories...and it is for some people. But, it is a good place for me to start this week. And, depending on how this week goes, (if 2000 proves to be horrendously difficult, I'll keep that goal) If I can manage it for the most part on 2000 then next week I plan on dropping it down to 1900 calories. I will get there eventually.
Seriously got to plan on the workout section...my original plans of the basement have been shot for now. So, now I have to adjust that thought, instead of wallowing in the "what shoulda been...". I have at least put the double stroller in the van (no easy feat if you have seen the back of the van's holding area size), so now it is either mall walking or going to the park to walk right now... Of course today's exercise will be shoveling and spreading mulch in our backyard play area...quite the work out - but I must confess that I LOVE it!
So, stay posted for eating, weight and workout details tommorrow.

Now it makes sense!

I know, I know...haven't posted anything now for 2 days. And won't be posting anything for tommorrow either - because I haven't kept up with anything today.
I am feeling completely gyped!! I "started" today...but it explains why I have be SO hungry over the past few days. Not just craving things, but just absolutely ravenous!!
Oh well, will get my act together and post again soon.

1 Week - back in the saddle again...then fell out!

One might think I'd be super careful about eating since I totally blew it yesterday! And, I was...until dinner.
Weight: 234.4

• Breakfast: 2 English Muffins w/ 1 wedge of creamy swiss laughing cow cheese and 2 slices of ham. And of course, coffee! TOTAL: 382
• Snack: Trail mix pack = 120
• Lunch: Chicken breast w/ salsa, marinade and 1C of veggies and brown rice TOTAL: 390
• Snack: 2 licorice candies = 70, Life cereal w/ skim milk = 160, Fiber Bar = 120
• Dinner: 3 egg whites, 1 piece of bacon, 1/2 tbsp butter, 3 biscuits (yes, I said 3...it was supposed to be one - but I spiraled out of control here - for 540 calories just for the buscuits {GULP!} ) TOTAL: 705
• Munching to Stay Awake w/ Peyton: Licorice = 105, Hard Candy = 70, 3 pieces of chocolate = 220 cal, jelly beans = 140

TOTAL FOR THE DAY: 2482

Got to be honest, considered leaving some stuff off...but thought - what's the point of that? I am doing this to get some honest feedback and accountability from people. Just the fact that I considered not revealing all tells me that this is working - whether anyone actually reads it or not!

Got to get rid of the candy stuff...too easy to just whip out and munch on. Got to work on some self control here...

I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me. But, I have to choose to let him be in control and not my own desires. I guess that is what drives me the most nuts... is knowing I have the capability to do this, but I am just not making the right choices to do it.

Day 6: We aren't even going to talk about it...much

Wow...blew it away yesterday...and I don't mean by a little bit, I mean by blew it out of the water!! It is amazing to me that I could have such a great day on Sunday, and then (as if Satan knew I was getting a head of steam going) it gets blown away!
I didn' t get my weight done this morning - running late with the kids. Will be sure to get it done in the morning.
I did add up my calories - roughly... I ate about 3500 calories!!! OH MY STARS!!
I started off well, and it went downhill quickly!
Had a doctor's appointment, so my plan to not leave the house in the yucky weather was kiboshed. Stopped by drive thru at Dunkin Donuts to get a new Pumpkin Latte...a small one. I figured I could squeeze that in ( calorie wise)...and I do believe Satan works there!! Not only did I wind up with a latte, but somehow there he sat, dangling a Pumpkin muffin in front of me - knowing my stomach was growling and all!! Then they gave me the Pumpkin donut...not the muffin!! Which, they wouldn't take back....so I just HAD to eat it -- too.
Still, could have salvaged the day, barely. But, doc's office ran long, lunch was in order. McDonalds! Did I get the salad? NO! Under stress from 3 hrs at doc's office, 2 kids (1 crying from being hungry and tired), I got a Happy Meal for both me and Reagan!
Dinner time, I'm figuring what the heck...it was going to be a fairly low cal meal anyway for all. Grilled cheese and macaroni & tomato soup. But, instead of being cautious about my portions, I knew I had blown the day, I'd just eat reasonably and be done with the day!
Only, I was going to make up some more formula...not enough for the night! Off the kids and I go to get more. Come back home, had bought the wrong kind!! Again, Reagan is screaming and crying and being TOTALLY UNCOOPERATIVE in my crisis situation...Austin is in a snit, and Bailey is lamenting about how hard her life is because we had to go out 2x, Peyton slept most of the time, but woke up and ate too quickly and spit up so much it was pooled in her carseat (and did I bring the diaper bag on the 2nd trip out?!?!?)! I'm about to join Reagan in the cry fest. We get back to Target, change out the formula...and it is 6:15. Well past dinner making time. We decide on IHOP (kids eat free - in case you didn't know). I decided at that point .... forget it! I am eating the pancakes and going to love every single bite!!!
And on another note...I have set up all my workout stuff in the basement....and we now have confirmed mold and it will all have to be moved and taken apart. I REALLY want to exercise, but can't afford to take classes, join a gym or otherwise. AND, the park I'd love to walk at has been closed because of the flooding - and the weather won't cooperate! I know - part of this is excuses, there are other parks, even the mall close by where I could walk for free. I just need to get in that mode of thinking for now and get it done! But, dangit, why can't it be easy?!?!?
So, there was my day. What is learned from it?

• Satan works at Dunkin Donuts
• I eat during times of high stress
• Life is generally NOT going to cooperate for me to loose this weight easily...it was much more cooperative to gain it!!

So, on to today. It will be a better day!! It will...It will...It will!!

Day 5 - What a good one!

I don't consider it coincidence that the first day (over the past 4) that I actually stayed within my calorie range (well under it actually), is also the first day in a loooonnng time I went to church, actually engaged and yes - uncomfortable in the service as the message was convicting.
I did not intend to go so under my calorie goal...just didn't have the hunger and did not choose to be a moron. So, here goes:
Weight: 234.4

• Breakfast: coffee = 80, multigrain waffle w/ tbsp pnut butter and 1/2 tbsp honey = 215

TOTAL: 295

• Lunch: Wonton Soup = 171, 2 Fried Potstickers = 166, Fortune Cookie = 30, Nilla Wafer = 28

TOTAL: 395

• Snack: Chocolate Fiber Bar = 120
• Dinner: 2 Chicken Tenders on a salad w/ 2 tbsp Lite Ranch & 1/8 cup shredded cheddar

TOTAL: 228

• After Dinner Treats: Caffiene Free Coke = 140 , 3 Chocolate Candy & 3 Werther Candies = 290

TOTAL = 430

TOTAL FOR THE DAY: 1438

So, now we're off for another day of rain (yuck!), but have lots to do today - if Peyton cooperates! I hope today is another good one!

Really disappointed...in me

Same refrain...I went over - again. Willfully and basically knowingly ( I thought I would be cutting it close - no such luck!)

Weight: 235.2
Breakfast: coffee = 80
Life Cereal w/ skim milk = 160
100 Cal English muffin, strawberry jam, butter spray = 154
TOTAL: 314
Snack: trail mix snack = 120
Lunch: 1C brown rice and veggies = 210
blueberries w/ 1/2C lowfat cottage cheese = 115
3 Nilla Wafers = 84 (these snuck up on me...no intentions of eating them, when Reagan wanted a snack and brought me the bag to open...) - way to go will power! (HA!)
TOTAL: 410
Snack: cinnamon roll: 460 (not planned...was a peacemaking/planning thing with the neighbor...what is it Nancy Reagan said? "Just say NO!?!?!"
Dinner: Salad w/ basalmic vinnagrett dressing: 60
Spaghetti w/ sauce = 300
Bread = 180
Tootsie roll = 50
TOTAL: 590
After dinner unplanned: McDonalds Hot Fudge Sunday = 330
Late night stupidity (trying to stay awake w/ Peyton) = Chocolate and Werthers Hard Candy: 218

TOTAL FOR THE DAY: 2445
I suppose the good news is that chances are - this is still less calories than I was eating before. The beat myself up news is that for 3 days I have made these bad choices. I did great on day 1, and for some reason or another I have chosen bad since then. Trying to figure out a workout schedule (hard to do w/ the 2 small ones)...so at least I'll have some recourse to bad choices...or it will be a great deterrant (I worked out for an hour - I am NOT going to ruin it by eating THAT!). Getting there...I really am. But, I have to say - I am so mad at me for choosing to be an idiot!!

Day 3 - Keep On Keepin' On

From the last posting, you had to know these numbers couldn't be good. Here goes...

• Weight: 236
• Breakfast: coffee fix: 80
  Kashi hot cereal w/ 1/2 tsp honey: 180
  TOTAL: 260\
• Morning Snack: 3 count chicken mini meal with a medium sweet tea: 670 (YIKES!)
  
• Lunch: Salad w/ 2 slices of ham, 1/8 cup cheese, 2 tsp lite sweet vidalia dressing, 1 boiled egg white: 178 cal
• Afternoon Snack: Fiber Bar: 120 cal
  Later Afternoon Snack: 2 tsp peanut butter: 190 cal
  1 medium Granny Smith Apple: 95
  TOTAL: 405 cal
• Dinner: 1 cup brown rice, 1/2 cup Green Giant Healthy Weight Veggies, 1 breaded Chicken Patty (where did my frozen skinless, boneless chicken breasts go?!?!?) with 1 slice Swiss Cheese melted on it.
  TOTAL: 515 cal
• Post Dinner Treat: and here's the clincher, because again - prior to this I was higher than I would have liked, 2028, but within my 1900-2100 range. Blew it completely out of the water with this one (and don't even consider the fat content on this little baby!!)
  Small Brownie Batter Blizzard: 600 cal
  TOTAL FOR THE DAY: 2628
  So, I am ver much still emotionally eating. The blizzard was part of a promised trip for Austin, but I certainly could have made a better choice...but it wasn't a great day. Course, had I been celebrating something - I would have done the same thing!
  Just going to keep putting 1 foot in front of the other...or is it 1 fork in front of the other? And just keep pushing thru. Not going to beat myself up for going over- as that creates the vicious cycle of getting more stressed, more emotional eating and more going over - blah, blah, blah! Just learn from it.

Hiccups in life and eating...

Not the main posting for the day...but needs to be said! I have been so hungry all day! Of course the brain turns to the thoughts of not so good choices....mmmmm...chocolate, mmmmm...candy.... mmmm....french fries
So, I ate, but had an apple with peanut butter and a Fiber Plus bar...how is it stuff that is good for you has calories?!?!...NOT FAIR!
So tonight promised my boy an icecream (he has a reward coupon from school for being a good citizen), and I know I'll participate...I'd like to say I won't, but it's Dairy Queen...and that happens like 2X a year!! And, just to heap on the excuses and justifications and rationalizations...I am frustrated with smelling like baby puke!!
So for the first 3 days it has been up and down...I am making better food choices overall, but still giving into the temptations that are out there - all with excuse in hand! Baby steps are being made - I am doing better than I was a week ago...and I'll do better next week than I have this week. Heck, I'll do better tomorrow than I did today! ( Mostly cause I can't afford Dairy Queen again! :}
Baby steps...don't give up...I am making improvements...Rome wasn't built in a day - and neither were my Thunder Thighs...it will take time for them to go away too! Breath and just take it 1 moment at a time...

Not such a great day

Weight: 235.2 (sounds great, but this is actually the 1st time I remembered to weigh myself before eating something!)

Breakfast: Life cereal w/ skim milk: 160
coffee fixed up: 80
TOTAL: 240
Lunch: PF Changs Chicken soup: 325
Sugar Cookie from Nestle Cafe: 310
Starbucks Tall White Mocha: 370
TOTAL: 1005
**So, kinda dropped the ball here, but I was at a spectacular lunch with a wonderful friend from college. I thought about the cookie and Starbucks, but decided to just enjoy the day instead and not worry about it. Not the best of plans, but I look for some promise in the fact that I actually considered the food :}***
Dinner: Salad w/ 2 tbsp dressing: 100 cal
Corn on cobb w/ spray butter: 109
About 6oz Pork Tenderloin: 340
1/2 cup Ranch Pasta salad: 170
TOTAL: 719
So, had I stopped here, my grand total for the day would have been 1964...not great, but still within the range of being acceptable! However, come about 11:30 last night, as I am soooo sleepy and Peyton wouldn't sleep, I willfully and completely decided to break the plan and fully knowing what it would do to my calorie count for the day...I did it anyway.
Sure, I had my justification... it was already in the house, its just better to go ahead and get rid of it so that it isn't around to tempt me anymore (can you tell I have used this justification before?!?) So, I made a "Warm Delights Fudge Brownie"...the big one, not one of the 100 calorie bowls. I must say, I enjoyed every last gooey yummy bite, but hate the fact that I gave in. It was a whopping 370 calories!
GRAND TOTAL FOR THE DAY: 2334
It's a new day, and back to the count!

When does my day start? - Day 1 Report

So, I was going to post last night...but decided against it because I knew I'd be up and down with Peyton, and sometimes that means I munch on something - sometimes cause I am hungry and sometimes cause I want to stay awake!
Decided to start the new day at 6am. Since it is now 6:06am, yesterday is done :)

Weight: 241.2
Measurements: Upper arm: 16in
Bust: 44.25 (this is probobly a bit skewed as I am still making a little milk and wearing a sports bra because of it)
Waist: 45in
Hips: 49.25
Thigh: 29.75

According to what I looked up on the internet for caloric needs, etc. the recommendation for me:
Fat loss = 2147 per day and for Extreme Fat Loss = 1912 per day. I am trying to stay at the extreme fat loss, but give myself a bit of wiggle room to the 2147 mark as I am just getting started and learning curve and all that.
Breakfast: 3 egg white omlet w/ ham, cheese: 157 cal
2 slices lite wheat toast w/ butter spray and 1 tbsp strawberry jam: 142 cal
Coffee w/ creamer, artificial sweetner, dash of skim milk: 80 cal
TOTAL: 379 cal
Lunch: Salmon w/ 1 tbsp Mrs. Dash marinade brushed on it: 130cal
Healthy heart frozen veggies: 140 cal
1/2 cup lowfat cottage cheese: 90 cal
1/4c frozen blueberries: 20 cal
TOTAL: 380 cal]
Dinner: 1 cup shrimp tortellini w/ cream sauce & 1/2 cup broccoli = 480 cal
2 slices garlic bread = 360 cal
1 caffiene free coke = 140 cal
TOTAL: 980 cal
Treat: 2 chocolate candies & 3 hard Werther's candies = 218 cal
GRAND TOTAL: 1957 cal
So, this doesn't sound so great...but, I am under the 2100 mark, which until I start realizing what adds up as what, it's not too bad. I didn't stumble too much during the day (and was actually suprised that I enjoyed my food), but as I was fixing dinner, I was starving and knew I was in trouble as this is 1 of my favorite meals. I started making excuses in my mind
"It's the first day, you can overdo on dinner"
" You just had a baby and have been breastfeeding, you should eat a little more"
" Today wasn't a normal day, I just had a stressful meeting, I did well for breakfast and lunch, just let dinner slide for today"
It took a lot to take the measuring cup to the table and measure out 1 cup of this meal. My kids watched and questioned...I tried to eat slowly, but dangit, I was hungry!! As I was cleaning up the kitchen, I ate the 2nd slice of garlic bread...180 calories for an itty bitty slice - SHEESH!!
So, a new day begins. I am meeting a friend today, so it will be lunch out...hope it goes well. I am already psyching myself up for ordering healthy...not something I have been familiar with! Until the AM...thanks guys!!

And so it begins...sorta

To give credit where credit is due...original idea came from Jamie and Sarah - so thanks, guys! Putting this out there for all to read and hold me accountable and encourage should help me a lot!!
I have been at this spot before...tired of being fat (I could have said overweight, but why mince words?), tired of seeing what I see in the mirror, tired of being the role model that I am being, tired of being a "victim" to the food...
Only this time it is different - why? Because all those things above and because of the blood pressure issue that has not and may not resolve. True it was a result of pregnancy, but the truth of it is...the pregnancy likely just brought on an acute case of something that was lurking underneath anyway. When I consider how I have taken care of myself (snorting an incredulous laugh), it's a suprise this didn't come about earlier.
Now everytime my left shoulder blade hurts or I have a headache or it gets a bit hard to breathe...I wonder - is it my heart? What if I had a heart attack or a stroke? Got to tell you I'd be seriously ticked to be fed & diapered by my family or others and not be an active part of life because I chose not to change.
There is also the fact that my oldest child told me at dinner one night, "Mom, if I had a magic wand, I'd wish you were skinny and healthy." And then when we were getting ready for church on Sunday.. "Mom, your pretty big, maybe you could use Jenny Craig and loose some fat," I didn't know if I should laugh or cry,,,did a bit of both.
I wish I could say this plan of change transcends (nice word, huh?) human desire and reaches to the realm of spiritual realizations and such...but to be honest, it doesn't. I just want to feel better and look better. I know I'll be using ALOT of prayer throughout this plan of change, and need some spiritual and physical kicking in the tail frequently...and I know that positive change will affect me spiritually too.
So, wish me luck, pray for me, hold me accountable, look for updates - daily for now (not as long as this), eventually less. Laugh at me, cry for me, shake your head at the monitor as I mess up, tap me out a message of encouragement, reproof, teaching, sharing of secrets and stories...
I am convinced as we all band together and "get it all out there", we'll stop hiding the goodies from everyone so we can eat them in peace and quiet (and let's face it...not share those last 2 bites with the kids...they simply can't appreciate good chocolate!!), admit when we stumble and help pick each other up - then we can do it together. Now, I am no cheerleader...but if one wants to come alongside...I'll be happy to throw a "Rah-Rah-Sis-Boom-Bah" with spirit fingers your way!
So, until tommorrow morning- where I'll post weight and measurements (gulp and double gulp!) take care!