Starting to question my drive. It was there last week...think it just kept on driving without me. But, knowing myself as I do...it's that time o' the month. And, I don't bring it up for excuses, although it does provide them, and I have succumbed...but just facing some facts here...
I AM HUNGRY! I wasn't last week. I did my Slimfast, ate sensibly, no hunger. I was suprised. Then over the past day or so...the appetite has increased. Like, I could eat paint chips or chew the sheet rock off the walls. Try to make healthy decisions...but when money is so tight that your trying not to change your child's diaper too often, healthy purchases (on top of seperate foods to feed the kids) isn't really an option. So, trying to make those better choices...and sometimes doing well, sometimes not.
And another thing, I am just tired. Again, got sleepy a bit here and there last week with waking early, watching calories in and out...but now, even with sleeping later than I was...I'm just whipped.
So, no, I don't think it's just mental. I actually googled it and got some scientific possibilities of why...not to bore the audiences and keeping it general, (if I have any), but it has to do with hormones dropping your blood sugar.
So, should start sometime this week or early next week. Dunno what I'm going to do this week as far as working out and stuff goes. May try to combat these cravings and tiredness with militant precision...or may just cut myself a bit of slack.
Older kids are going to VBS, and the younger 2 do NOT do well in the stroller for more than 10 minutes or so. Oh, what I wouldn't give to join a gym...and it's not the gym fees that are the issue...most places around here, I could join for $10-15/month. But, it's the childcare fee that I'd have to come up with on a 5 or more day basis. There's just no way I can do it. But, it's so hard to incorporate working out the way I need to do so with little kids...it's not impossible, just very very hard.
So, yes, in my woe is me...I am in the depths of ...it's so much easier to be fat...why not? But I don't want to be fat, and ultimately -- it isn't easier. But, I swear, it feels as though the universe conspires to keep me here.
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Saturday, June 5, 2010
HATE COOKING
Haven't worked out in 3 days now. I don't know if you count going to 6 Flags and walking thru there much of a workout...if you do -- it's only been 2 days. Considered getting up early and doing something this morning, but thought about the day I had ahead of me and decided I'd wait.
I am jonesing for some food that I haven't cooked. I have come to a conclusion over the past few months...I really do hate cooking. I like the finished product, but the process of standing in the kitchen, cleaning up etc, etc,...not so much. I cook cause I have to, not cause I want to. I am a fast food junkie (ergo the junkie in my trunkie!), wait...I am an anyfood I don't have to fix junkie! I believe when I have money again, I'm going to get those prepared fresh meals that are calorie controlled. Then I can fix the typical chicken legs, mac and cheese and veggies for the family (cause that is about all they like) and I can eat yummy gourmet food for the most part and not have to cook 2 meals!
So in the meantime, don't know what I'll eat...looks like frozen budget lean gourmet or Lean Cuisine or something is calling my name for lunch. Perhaps a can of Slimfast...hhmmm, doesn't sound quite as yummo as Subway sandwich, or soup and salad (which sounds healthy, but likely isn't) from Olive Garden--scuse me while I wipe the drool from my chin.
Back to reality...sigh...
I am jonesing for some food that I haven't cooked. I have come to a conclusion over the past few months...I really do hate cooking. I like the finished product, but the process of standing in the kitchen, cleaning up etc, etc,...not so much. I cook cause I have to, not cause I want to. I am a fast food junkie (ergo the junkie in my trunkie!), wait...I am an anyfood I don't have to fix junkie! I believe when I have money again, I'm going to get those prepared fresh meals that are calorie controlled. Then I can fix the typical chicken legs, mac and cheese and veggies for the family (cause that is about all they like) and I can eat yummy gourmet food for the most part and not have to cook 2 meals!
So in the meantime, don't know what I'll eat...looks like frozen budget lean gourmet or Lean Cuisine or something is calling my name for lunch. Perhaps a can of Slimfast...hhmmm, doesn't sound quite as yummo as Subway sandwich, or soup and salad (which sounds healthy, but likely isn't) from Olive Garden--scuse me while I wipe the drool from my chin.
Back to reality...sigh...
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Just a few fat woman tidbits??
Few points I want to make after 3 days of counting calories and working out:
- If you puke up dinner about 2 hours after eating it from a stomach bug...how many calories can you take back?? Happened to me at church last night. Almost was hugely embarassing as I almost didn't make it to the restroom.
- Seriously, after 3 days of working out and being SSSSSOOOOOO sore...I really should be able to see a difference...you know -- it feels like I have sweat off at least 30lbs...shouldn't that relate to 10lbs on the scale?? And if I keep being so sore...think I might cry off another 10lbs!
- Going to 6 Flags...they have to triple check my buckles to be sure the "fat lady" is secured...and in 1 instance...even had to use a key to lock it in. How absolutely mortifying!! If I was considering staying fat and unhealthy -- I think that would be enough to get me up and moving again in the morning...
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Here we go again
Thanks to those of you who have followed me, and sorry for giving up before, but I had to do it for my own and children's sanity.
So, now I'm a bit of a different place. Peyton is a bit older and a bit more into a sleeping schedule, the kids are a smidge more independant. They actually can push me into doing more -- and they do!
I really began again on Monday. A few futile efforts were put forth a few weeks ago, but since it's summer for the kids - I am trying again ...and instead of combatting the children, I am working hard on involving them.
A few things to note...I am sort of doing the Slimfast 3.2.1. program, I know, I know...if any of you are food purists, you are absolutely cringing at the idea that I am putting all this manufactured stuff in my body. But, I figure that this is easy, fairly cheap, and I can manage it. I will eventually get away from it, but for now - it helps me keep a handle on what I'm eating and drinking.
I have checked out this free website called freedieting.com, and it has some seriously cool tools there to use. It says for extreme fat loss I need a bit over 1900 calories today, but that is the lowest I should get, for better healthy results I should be around 2100 calories. I haven't even hit the 1900 mark for the past 2 days. Oddly enough, I haven't been hungry either. Maybe it's working out 3 times a day, keeping busy with the kids or something. I am creating my eating schedule/menu for 1900...with figuring I'll miss measure or something and that gives me cushion. I figure more important than that number is how I feel...if I'm hungry...then I'll eat.
Suprisingly I haven't suffered too much caffiene withdrawl symptoms...I do still have me morning coffee with all the trimmings. But, I have stopped drinking cokes. Thought it would be hard as I was having 1-2 per day. It really hasn't been bad.
As of Monday I weighed 246.6 lbs. We'll see how much I loose in a week. The kids want me to step on the scale "Biggest Looser" style (which I find to be a completely inspiring and frustrating show all at the same time)! We'll see how that goes!
I am doing the redone Beth Moore study of "Breaking Free", and I wish she had done this study to talk to someone other than me...(If you don't get that...think about it for a moment and how God uses His word and people to convict you!), anyway, she says at 1 point that we can't have our mountains if we don't get past our moments. I pray frequently for God to just help me through those moments. Help me 50-60 times a day...or an hour...
Next time, I'd like to take just a minute to look at who I was a week ago, a month ago...maybe some of you will get it....maybe not. But, hey -- I feel the need to share and it's my blog...so I can.
So, now I'm a bit of a different place. Peyton is a bit older and a bit more into a sleeping schedule, the kids are a smidge more independant. They actually can push me into doing more -- and they do!
I really began again on Monday. A few futile efforts were put forth a few weeks ago, but since it's summer for the kids - I am trying again ...and instead of combatting the children, I am working hard on involving them.
A few things to note...I am sort of doing the Slimfast 3.2.1. program, I know, I know...if any of you are food purists, you are absolutely cringing at the idea that I am putting all this manufactured stuff in my body. But, I figure that this is easy, fairly cheap, and I can manage it. I will eventually get away from it, but for now - it helps me keep a handle on what I'm eating and drinking.
I have checked out this free website called freedieting.com, and it has some seriously cool tools there to use. It says for extreme fat loss I need a bit over 1900 calories today, but that is the lowest I should get, for better healthy results I should be around 2100 calories. I haven't even hit the 1900 mark for the past 2 days. Oddly enough, I haven't been hungry either. Maybe it's working out 3 times a day, keeping busy with the kids or something. I am creating my eating schedule/menu for 1900...with figuring I'll miss measure or something and that gives me cushion. I figure more important than that number is how I feel...if I'm hungry...then I'll eat.
Suprisingly I haven't suffered too much caffiene withdrawl symptoms...I do still have me morning coffee with all the trimmings. But, I have stopped drinking cokes. Thought it would be hard as I was having 1-2 per day. It really hasn't been bad.
As of Monday I weighed 246.6 lbs. We'll see how much I loose in a week. The kids want me to step on the scale "Biggest Looser" style (which I find to be a completely inspiring and frustrating show all at the same time)! We'll see how that goes!
I am doing the redone Beth Moore study of "Breaking Free", and I wish she had done this study to talk to someone other than me...(If you don't get that...think about it for a moment and how God uses His word and people to convict you!), anyway, she says at 1 point that we can't have our mountains if we don't get past our moments. I pray frequently for God to just help me through those moments. Help me 50-60 times a day...or an hour...
Next time, I'd like to take just a minute to look at who I was a week ago, a month ago...maybe some of you will get it....maybe not. But, hey -- I feel the need to share and it's my blog...so I can.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
I'm done for now
I'm not sad, I'm not ranting and raving, I'm not much of anything right now. I have come to realize that I can't do it all right this minute and the more pressure I put on myself to do it all, the more I feel like a failure and don't do it all.
I want REALLY WANT to work out. I LOVE to work out. I LOVE to get all sweaty and feel like I accompilished something at the end of it. But, until I have a child that sleeps or money to join a gym with childcare...it just can't happen. If I start working out and have to stop cause my baby wakes up...I'll be mad at her. That just isn't right or fair for my kiddos.
Chuck's schedule doesn't allow for him to take the kids to give me the time to work out on a consistent basis...so I get mad at him.
I am hoping and praying that soon little Peyton will sleep thru the night again...and so will I. Then I can have the energy (and time) to go to my basement and put some of this equipment I have to use!!
Eating? I have great intentions...as I have said so many times before....but, that doesn't happen either. Throw a teething baby in that won't be put down...and I am snagging whatever is in arm's reach to eat -- and arm's reach typically isn't good for me. I can't plan, cause right now - if I do plan...it's out the window by the end of breakfast for some reason.
Now it's time to jet out the door to get kids to school...life jumps up and gets in the way of these grand plans sometimes....so it's time for me to step back and breathe. To get ready for what God has planned for me. And I know that in many ways I will continue to be held back because I'm not tackling this large part of my life that makes me....large.....
but, I can enhance other areas of my life right now...and maybe take tiny baby steps towards changing the rest...carrots instead of candy for a snack on Wednesday...maybe not Thursday...but hey, 1 day at a time -- sometimes as Sarah said....one minute at a time!
I want REALLY WANT to work out. I LOVE to work out. I LOVE to get all sweaty and feel like I accompilished something at the end of it. But, until I have a child that sleeps or money to join a gym with childcare...it just can't happen. If I start working out and have to stop cause my baby wakes up...I'll be mad at her. That just isn't right or fair for my kiddos.
Chuck's schedule doesn't allow for him to take the kids to give me the time to work out on a consistent basis...so I get mad at him.
I am hoping and praying that soon little Peyton will sleep thru the night again...and so will I. Then I can have the energy (and time) to go to my basement and put some of this equipment I have to use!!
Eating? I have great intentions...as I have said so many times before....but, that doesn't happen either. Throw a teething baby in that won't be put down...and I am snagging whatever is in arm's reach to eat -- and arm's reach typically isn't good for me. I can't plan, cause right now - if I do plan...it's out the window by the end of breakfast for some reason.
Now it's time to jet out the door to get kids to school...life jumps up and gets in the way of these grand plans sometimes....so it's time for me to step back and breathe. To get ready for what God has planned for me. And I know that in many ways I will continue to be held back because I'm not tackling this large part of my life that makes me....large.....
but, I can enhance other areas of my life right now...and maybe take tiny baby steps towards changing the rest...carrots instead of candy for a snack on Wednesday...maybe not Thursday...but hey, 1 day at a time -- sometimes as Sarah said....one minute at a time!
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Crying me a river
I really don't care any more...not about who reads or doesn't read my blog(s)...no offense to anyone who is reading this now - don't mean I don't care about YOU, just meaning that this is for me now.
I can't say how many times in a day I call myself all sorts of horrid names...ones that usually are reserved for ships full of sailors. They typically have the words "lard" or "fat" or "looser" or something along those lines added into them. It's sad really that I have come to this.
Once upon a time I was a confident person: easygoing, fun, yet driven and determined. Now, somewhere along the lines I totally lost that. Now, I just survive - and not all that well either.
I have great intentions each week or even each day...but it gets lost along the way. Sometimes it happens even before I get out of bed, or even get into the bed from the night before!!
I say that as my kids get older, it will get easier. And in some instances it will...but, there will always be an excuse to not do what needs to be done.
I can't stay the way I am. I can't call myself names each day and soothe my hurts with bite sized whatever the kids have in their candy box....or dig out the hidden candies that I have gotten...or make that 1 more stop thru the drive thru to get that 1 more burger or whatever. I can't feel so out of control or afraid to speak up for myself - or even for my kids.
I feel like a total looser with controling my own impulses, I don't even try most of the time any more. And, that feeling like a looser in 1 area has spread like kudzu to other areas of my life.
Beth Moore talks about being in a pit...well, I'm there and have put out the wallpaper and everything to make myself more comfy there! But, I still look up and see the promise of life out of the pit, and think about trying to get out, and sometimes I take action ...but those walls are slippery and I slide right back down to the bottom - and then I sit and cry. Sorta like I am now.
So, here I go - deciding to make a change again. I am going to. I am going to make it work. I have to. I have to rely on the LORD my GOD to help, to lead and I can and I will follow. I don't know when I'll take the first step...maybe tomorrow, maybe next week. But it will be done. And it won't be perfect. I know that. I know it. But, I must - I absolutely must do it!
I can't say how many times in a day I call myself all sorts of horrid names...ones that usually are reserved for ships full of sailors. They typically have the words "lard" or "fat" or "looser" or something along those lines added into them. It's sad really that I have come to this.
Once upon a time I was a confident person: easygoing, fun, yet driven and determined. Now, somewhere along the lines I totally lost that. Now, I just survive - and not all that well either.
I have great intentions each week or even each day...but it gets lost along the way. Sometimes it happens even before I get out of bed, or even get into the bed from the night before!!
I say that as my kids get older, it will get easier. And in some instances it will...but, there will always be an excuse to not do what needs to be done.
I can't stay the way I am. I can't call myself names each day and soothe my hurts with bite sized whatever the kids have in their candy box....or dig out the hidden candies that I have gotten...or make that 1 more stop thru the drive thru to get that 1 more burger or whatever. I can't feel so out of control or afraid to speak up for myself - or even for my kids.
I feel like a total looser with controling my own impulses, I don't even try most of the time any more. And, that feeling like a looser in 1 area has spread like kudzu to other areas of my life.
Beth Moore talks about being in a pit...well, I'm there and have put out the wallpaper and everything to make myself more comfy there! But, I still look up and see the promise of life out of the pit, and think about trying to get out, and sometimes I take action ...but those walls are slippery and I slide right back down to the bottom - and then I sit and cry. Sorta like I am now.
So, here I go - deciding to make a change again. I am going to. I am going to make it work. I have to. I have to rely on the LORD my GOD to help, to lead and I can and I will follow. I don't know when I'll take the first step...maybe tomorrow, maybe next week. But it will be done. And it won't be perfect. I know that. I know it. But, I must - I absolutely must do it!
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Do I dare say it out loud?
So, it's now 3:30am and I am sitting here, frustrated, angry, berating myself...and wondering why is it people always say "You have to love yourself if you want to change."...if I loved myself so much...why ever would I want to change?
So, I'll just come out with it...I really don't like myself so much. I hate looking at me in the mirror. I hate it when I make these choices that I KNOW aren't going to help me get to where I want to be....and yet, I almost seem powerless to stop myself from making them - from putting that 1 more thing in my mouth, from yelling at my kids, from watching 1 more hour of TV, from drinking that 1 more coke...
I know that I am NOT powerles...why? Because I do have the ultimate power within me! Yes, I have Christ in me - and if He can rise from the dead...that's some serious power!! So, why am I so dang ineffective? Is it because I am not plugged into the power? Yup.
Is it because I believe all the rationalizations and lies that Satan heaps upon me to keep me down and dirty, keeps me choosing and rationalizing that 1 more dessert, that 1 more scoop of whatever-you-fill-in-the-blank? Yup.
I believe that Satan wakes up my kids, makes them cranky, keeps me distracted and awake so I am too tired to think - so I eat and vegitate. I believe I have given him power over me. And, I hate myself for that.
SO CHANGE!
Is it really that easy? Well, yes and no. Say a 1 sentence prayer, call out to God for the help He so longs to give...He's just waiting. Then, take 1 step in the right direction...maybe Satan will be there and will push you back 2 steps. But, say that 1 sentence prayer again...then take another step - again. It's tiring, it's remedial, it's annoying, you feel like an idiot and you feel like a failure...and I speak from which I know. Currently, I have stopped that 1 prayer, I have stopped that 1 step.
I have listened to the enemy's lies...I have rationalized waiting to launch myself into loosing the weight, into trying to parent without screaming, into getting into a quiet time, into getting into a Bible study, into so much!
I am busy. I am a mom of 4. I am going to loose it on occasion - not that it makes it ok...but it's going to happen. So, I don't loose 50 or 60 pounds by next year...what about just loosing 20 or 30? So I will over eat on occasions and I will take dessert...a couple of times...on occasion. I have to STOP listening to the lies the master manipulator tells me and stop rationalizing..."Well, if I can't committ to loosing weight, working out, ______(fill in the blank) fully, then I'm just not going to do it right now." So what if I can't committ to a 2000 calorie diet every day? Choosing it 2 days a week is better than where I am now...
I think that I have spent so much time looking at how I have failed, that I have just shrugged my shoulders, shaken my head in shame and shuffled away from where I need and where I want to be.
So, no...I do not like me right now! Should I like me? Yup...I should like me because God created me...but He did not create me to be this all consuming monster that I have made me to be. He created me to worship Him...not the icecream in my freezer...or to even worship my feelings of self-loathing that I have right now. Cause, well, that's what I'm doing - grimacing when I am in the mirror, looking at my too-big-butt in the reflection of the car door (which does make objects appear larger than they really are!), kicking myself even as I dig thru the Halloween candy bowl 1 more time....I am spending more time thinking about how I look, should look, and have failed to look...than I have thinking of HIM! He died for me...and all I can think about is....ME?? Seriously?? Now I'm just being selfish...which I am.
So, perhaps tomorrow when I glance in the mirror, when I have that thought of I'm a looser (and not in a good way), when I get frustrated with the kids, when I knowingly take that bite of whatever and know that I shouldn't have...instead of calling myself names I should just take a quick second or 2 and whisper a 1 liner prayer.
Wouldn't that be a good start?
Maybe..."God, help me to see me the way you see me."
"God, help me to be more for You!"
"God, thank You for loving me!"
or just sometimes... "God, just help me."
So, I'll just come out with it...I really don't like myself so much. I hate looking at me in the mirror. I hate it when I make these choices that I KNOW aren't going to help me get to where I want to be....and yet, I almost seem powerless to stop myself from making them - from putting that 1 more thing in my mouth, from yelling at my kids, from watching 1 more hour of TV, from drinking that 1 more coke...
I know that I am NOT powerles...why? Because I do have the ultimate power within me! Yes, I have Christ in me - and if He can rise from the dead...that's some serious power!! So, why am I so dang ineffective? Is it because I am not plugged into the power? Yup.
Is it because I believe all the rationalizations and lies that Satan heaps upon me to keep me down and dirty, keeps me choosing and rationalizing that 1 more dessert, that 1 more scoop of whatever-you-fill-in-the-blank? Yup.
I believe that Satan wakes up my kids, makes them cranky, keeps me distracted and awake so I am too tired to think - so I eat and vegitate. I believe I have given him power over me. And, I hate myself for that.
SO CHANGE!
Is it really that easy? Well, yes and no. Say a 1 sentence prayer, call out to God for the help He so longs to give...He's just waiting. Then, take 1 step in the right direction...maybe Satan will be there and will push you back 2 steps. But, say that 1 sentence prayer again...then take another step - again. It's tiring, it's remedial, it's annoying, you feel like an idiot and you feel like a failure...and I speak from which I know. Currently, I have stopped that 1 prayer, I have stopped that 1 step.
I have listened to the enemy's lies...I have rationalized waiting to launch myself into loosing the weight, into trying to parent without screaming, into getting into a quiet time, into getting into a Bible study, into so much!
I am busy. I am a mom of 4. I am going to loose it on occasion - not that it makes it ok...but it's going to happen. So, I don't loose 50 or 60 pounds by next year...what about just loosing 20 or 30? So I will over eat on occasions and I will take dessert...a couple of times...on occasion. I have to STOP listening to the lies the master manipulator tells me and stop rationalizing..."Well, if I can't committ to loosing weight, working out, ______(fill in the blank) fully, then I'm just not going to do it right now." So what if I can't committ to a 2000 calorie diet every day? Choosing it 2 days a week is better than where I am now...
I think that I have spent so much time looking at how I have failed, that I have just shrugged my shoulders, shaken my head in shame and shuffled away from where I need and where I want to be.
So, no...I do not like me right now! Should I like me? Yup...I should like me because God created me...but He did not create me to be this all consuming monster that I have made me to be. He created me to worship Him...not the icecream in my freezer...or to even worship my feelings of self-loathing that I have right now. Cause, well, that's what I'm doing - grimacing when I am in the mirror, looking at my too-big-butt in the reflection of the car door (which does make objects appear larger than they really are!), kicking myself even as I dig thru the Halloween candy bowl 1 more time....I am spending more time thinking about how I look, should look, and have failed to look...than I have thinking of HIM! He died for me...and all I can think about is....ME?? Seriously?? Now I'm just being selfish...which I am.
So, perhaps tomorrow when I glance in the mirror, when I have that thought of I'm a looser (and not in a good way), when I get frustrated with the kids, when I knowingly take that bite of whatever and know that I shouldn't have...instead of calling myself names I should just take a quick second or 2 and whisper a 1 liner prayer.
Wouldn't that be a good start?
Maybe..."God, help me to see me the way you see me."
"God, help me to be more for You!"
"God, thank You for loving me!"
or just sometimes... "God, just help me."
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