Do I dare say it out loud?

So, it's now 3:30am and I am sitting here, frustrated, angry, berating myself...and wondering why is it people always say "You have to love yourself if you want to change."...if I loved myself so much...why ever would I want to change?
So, I'll just come out with it...I really don't like myself so much. I hate looking at me in the mirror. I hate it when I make these choices that I KNOW aren't going to help me get to where I want to be....and yet, I almost seem powerless to stop myself from making them - from putting that 1 more thing in my mouth, from yelling at my kids, from watching 1 more hour of TV, from drinking that 1 more coke...
I know that I am NOT powerles...why? Because I do have the ultimate power within me! Yes, I have Christ in me - and if He can rise from the dead...that's some serious power!! So, why am I so dang ineffective? Is it because I am not plugged into the power? Yup.
Is it because I believe all the rationalizations and lies that Satan heaps upon me to keep me down and dirty, keeps me choosing and rationalizing that 1 more dessert, that 1 more scoop of whatever-you-fill-in-the-blank? Yup.
I believe that Satan wakes up my kids, makes them cranky, keeps me distracted and awake so I am too tired to think - so I eat and vegitate. I believe I have given him power over me. And, I hate myself for that.
SO CHANGE!
Is it really that easy? Well, yes and no. Say a 1 sentence prayer, call out to God for the help He so longs to give...He's just waiting. Then, take 1 step in the right direction...maybe Satan will be there and will push you back 2 steps. But, say that 1 sentence prayer again...then take another step - again. It's tiring, it's remedial, it's annoying, you feel like an idiot and you feel like a failure...and I speak from which I know. Currently, I have stopped that 1 prayer, I have stopped that 1 step.
I have listened to the enemy's lies...I have rationalized waiting to launch myself into loosing the weight, into trying to parent without screaming, into getting into a quiet time, into getting into a Bible study, into so much!
I am busy. I am a mom of 4. I am going to loose it on occasion - not that it makes it ok...but it's going to happen. So, I don't loose 50 or 60 pounds by next year...what about just loosing 20 or 30? So I will over eat on occasions and I will take dessert...a couple of times...on occasion. I have to STOP listening to the lies the master manipulator tells me and stop rationalizing..."Well, if I can't committ to loosing weight, working out, ______(fill in the blank) fully, then I'm just not going to do it right now." So what if I can't committ to a 2000 calorie diet every day? Choosing it 2 days a week is better than where I am now...
I think that I have spent so much time looking at how I have failed, that I have just shrugged my shoulders, shaken my head in shame and shuffled away from where I need and where I want to be.
So, no...I do not like me right now! Should I like me? Yup...I should like me because God created me...but He did not create me to be this all consuming monster that I have made me to be. He created me to worship Him...not the icecream in my freezer...or to even worship my feelings of self-loathing that I have right now. Cause, well, that's what I'm doing - grimacing when I am in the mirror, looking at my too-big-butt in the reflection of the car door (which does make objects appear larger than they really are!), kicking myself even as I dig thru the Halloween candy bowl 1 more time....I am spending more time thinking about how I look, should look, and have failed to look...than I have thinking of HIM! He died for me...and all I can think about is....ME?? Seriously?? Now I'm just being selfish...which I am.
So, perhaps tomorrow when I glance in the mirror, when I have that thought of I'm a looser (and not in a good way), when I get frustrated with the kids, when I knowingly take that bite of whatever and know that I shouldn't have...instead of calling myself names I should just take a quick second or 2 and whisper a 1 liner prayer.
Wouldn't that be a good start?
Maybe..."God, help me to see me the way you see me."
"God, help me to be more for You!"
"God, thank You for loving me!"
or just sometimes... "God, just help me."