Why does it seem like the universe is fighting me?

Starting to question my drive. It was there last week...think it just kept on driving without me. But, knowing myself as I do...it's that time o' the month. And, I don't bring it up for excuses, although it does provide them, and I have succumbed...but just facing some facts here...
I AM HUNGRY! I wasn't last week. I did my Slimfast, ate sensibly, no hunger. I was suprised. Then over the past day or so...the appetite has increased. Like, I could eat paint chips or chew the sheet rock off the walls. Try to make healthy decisions...but when money is so tight that your trying not to change your child's diaper too often, healthy purchases (on top of seperate foods to feed the kids) isn't really an option. So, trying to make those better choices...and sometimes doing well, sometimes not.
And another thing, I am just tired. Again, got sleepy a bit here and there last week with waking early, watching calories in and out...but now, even with sleeping later than I was...I'm just whipped.
So, no, I don't think it's just mental. I actually googled it and got some scientific possibilities of why...not to bore the audiences and keeping it general, (if I have any), but it has to do with hormones dropping your blood sugar.
So, should start sometime this week or early next week. Dunno what I'm going to do this week as far as working out and stuff goes. May try to combat these cravings and tiredness with militant precision...or may just cut myself a bit of slack.
Older kids are going to VBS, and the younger 2 do NOT do well in the stroller for more than 10 minutes or so. Oh, what I wouldn't give to join a gym...and it's not the gym fees that are the issue...most places around here, I could join for $10-15/month. But, it's the childcare fee that I'd have to come up with on a 5 or more day basis. There's just no way I can do it. But, it's so hard to incorporate working out the way I need to do so with little kids...it's not impossible, just very very hard.
So, yes, in my woe is me...I am in the depths of ...it's so much easier to be fat...why not? But I don't want to be fat, and ultimately -- it isn't easier. But, I swear, it feels as though the universe conspires to keep me here.

HATE COOKING

Haven't worked out in 3 days now. I don't know if you count going to 6 Flags and walking thru there much of a workout...if you do -- it's only been 2 days. Considered getting up early and doing something this morning, but thought about the day I had ahead of me and decided I'd wait.
I am jonesing for some food that I haven't cooked. I have come to a conclusion over the past few months...I really do hate cooking. I like the finished product, but the process of standing in the kitchen, cleaning up etc, etc,...not so much. I cook cause I have to, not cause I want to. I am a fast food junkie (ergo the junkie in my trunkie!), wait...I am an anyfood I don't have to fix junkie! I believe when I have money again, I'm going to get those prepared fresh meals that are calorie controlled. Then I can fix the typical chicken legs, mac and cheese and veggies for the family (cause that is about all they like) and I can eat yummy gourmet food for the most part and not have to cook 2 meals!
So in the meantime, don't know what I'll eat...looks like frozen budget lean gourmet or Lean Cuisine or something is calling my name for lunch. Perhaps a can of Slimfast...hhmmm, doesn't sound quite as yummo as Subway sandwich, or soup and salad (which sounds healthy, but likely isn't) from Olive Garden--scuse me while I wipe the drool from my chin.
Back to reality...sigh...

Just a few fat woman tidbits??

Few points I want to make after 3 days of counting calories and working out:

• If you puke up dinner about 2 hours after eating it from a stomach bug...how many calories can you take back?? Happened to me at church last night. Almost was hugely embarassing as I almost didn't make it to the restroom.
• Seriously, after 3 days of working out and being SSSSSOOOOOO sore...I really should be able to see a difference...you know -- it feels like I have sweat off at least 30lbs...shouldn't that relate to 10lbs on the scale?? And if I keep being so sore...think I might cry off another 10lbs!
• Going to 6 Flags...they have to triple check my buckles to be sure the "fat lady" is secured...and in 1 instance...even had to use a key to lock it in. How absolutely mortifying!! If I was considering staying fat and unhealthy -- I think that would be enough to get me up and moving again in the morning...

Here we go again

Thanks to those of you who have followed me, and sorry for giving up before, but I had to do it for my own and children's sanity.

So, now I'm a bit of a different place. Peyton is a bit older and a bit more into a sleeping schedule, the kids are a smidge more independant. They actually can push me into doing more -- and they do!

I really began again on Monday. A few futile efforts were put forth a few weeks ago, but since it's summer for the kids - I am trying again ...and instead of combatting the children, I am working hard on involving them.

A few things to note...I am sort of doing the Slimfast 3.2.1. program, I know, I know...if any of you are food purists, you are absolutely cringing at the idea that I am putting all this manufactured stuff in my body. But, I figure that this is easy, fairly cheap, and I can manage it. I will eventually get away from it, but for now - it helps me keep a handle on what I'm eating and drinking.

I have checked out this free website called freedieting.com, and it has some seriously cool tools there to use. It says for extreme fat loss I need a bit over 1900 calories today, but that is the lowest I should get, for better healthy results I should be around 2100 calories. I haven't even hit the 1900 mark for the past 2 days. Oddly enough, I haven't been hungry either. Maybe it's working out 3 times a day, keeping busy with the kids or something. I am creating my eating schedule/menu for 1900...with figuring I'll miss measure or something and that gives me cushion. I figure more important than that number is how I feel...if I'm hungry...then I'll eat.

Suprisingly I haven't suffered too much caffiene withdrawl symptoms...I do still have me morning coffee with all the trimmings. But, I have stopped drinking cokes. Thought it would be hard as I was having 1-2 per day. It really hasn't been bad.

As of Monday I weighed 246.6 lbs. We'll see how much I loose in a week. The kids want me to step on the scale "Biggest Looser" style (which I find to be a completely inspiring and frustrating show all at the same time)! We'll see how that goes!

I am doing the redone Beth Moore study of "Breaking Free", and I wish she had done this study to talk to someone other than me...(If you don't get that...think about it for a moment and how God uses His word and people to convict you!), anyway, she says at 1 point that we can't have our mountains if we don't get past our moments. I pray frequently for God to just help me through those moments. Help me 50-60 times a day...or an hour...

Next time, I'd like to take just a minute to look at who I was a week ago, a month ago...maybe some of you will get it....maybe not. But, hey -- I feel the need to share and it's my blog...so I can.